i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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