He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
