so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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