thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
