"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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