So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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