when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
