I cannot find my penis.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize