I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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