apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
