I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
