yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
