How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
