Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
