Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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