im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
