haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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