who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
