my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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