I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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