the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
