I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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