I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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