I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
