Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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