Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
