in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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