That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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