Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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