You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
