a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
