Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
