Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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