U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
