I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
