Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
