he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
