I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
