I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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