thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize