Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
