this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
