after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
