when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
