my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
