Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize