he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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