My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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