Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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