I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My liver just broke up with me...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
