i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
