Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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