I think I won the penis lottery.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
