The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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