we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
