I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I checked into jail on foursquare
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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