everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
