i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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