I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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