If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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