I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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