I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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