He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
