You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
