bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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