you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
