just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
