a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
operation harelip BJ is a go
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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