Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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