Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
