Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
