My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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